I Just Want You To Know Who I Am
by Nikki14u
Summary: Summary: They call me a monster and claim to know me and my life but they don’t matter all that matters is you. All I want, all I wish for is…For you to know who I am.


**Summary: **They call me a monster and claim to know me and my life but they don't matter all that matters is you. All I want, all I wish for is… For you to know who I am.

**Teaser**

"_That's my boy" _I say to myself as I watch you bounce the orange and black ball against the pavement unaware of the fact that it was I who had sent it to you for your birthday. I wish I could have given it to you face to face like any normal father would but the circumstances that have shaped both our lives are anything but normal. I hurt your mother and ruined whatever chance I may have had of being in your life when I turned my back on both of you and chose to marry Deb instead. I will always regret this decision but I can't change it. No matter how much I wish that I could.

I wipe away a stray tear from my eyes and take a quick look at the area surrounding us being careful not to get caught crying or watching you because if I did that would mean admitting to the world that I Dan Scott had made a mistake and that I can't allow.

Once I am certain that no one is around to witness my stolen moments of fatherhood I turn my attention back to you and watch how you skillfully master the art of the sport. I can tell by the way you maneuver the ball that you have my talent and my love for the game, just like your brother. I want more then anything to walk over to you and tell you these things and let you know how proud I am of you, but I can't. I only have myself to blame for the pain I'm feeling right now and God help me but I know I deserve it. But knowing this does nothing to ease my concise or my sorrow.

I see so much of myself and your mother in you that it almost frightens me. The way you hold your breath and position as you wait patiently for the ball to go through the hoop is every bit of me, not to mention your eyes, nose and mouth all features that mirror my own. Your smile, your caring, giving nature and the way you love unconditionally are all of the characteristics that made me fall in love with your mother. I smile to myself as I watch you make another basket and grin in triumph as you run over to seize the ball and then you stop. Almost sensing my presence and becoming aware of the fact that you are no longer alone.

And that's when your eyes scan the park and you catch sight of me.

You pause for a moment, unsure of who I am or why I'm there watching you. I guess I make you pretty nervous because you cradle the ball in your hands and roll it back and forth just like I do when there's something troubling me. You smile weakly as if to see where my head is at and I smile back and wave a little to let you know that I'm not a threat but knowing how I am and how much you're like me I hold my breath and wait for you to come over and examine things more meticulously.

I watch you take slightly unsteady but yet confident steps over to me, trying to show how unafraid of me you are. I want to laugh and tell you that you're just like your father, but I don't.

"Hi" you say to me with the ball now tucked under your arm as you step a little closer.

"Hey there" I reply aching to hold you in my arms and call you son.

"I've never seen you before, did you just move here?"

You question in that cute ten year old voice of yours. I want to tell you that yes you have seen me every time you look in the mirror but again I say nothing to that effect instead I give you a simple answer to put your mind at ease.

"Not really. I grew up here in Tree Hill but I moved away to go to college. Now I'm back"

"Oh." You reply with a more relaxed smile. "My Mom grew up here to. Maybe you know her. Her name's Karen. Karen Roe. What's your name?"

You say in one breath just like your mother when she's fishing for answers but doesn't want you to feel pressured to respond.

"Well I think I went to school with your Mom. Be sure to tell her Dave said hi" I lie to you about my name, knowing that your mother would become hurt and angry at the sound of my own.

"That's your name, Dave?"

"Yep that's it" I say as yet another pain makes its way to my heart.

"Nice to meet you Dave, my name's Lucas" you say extending your hand to me.

The second I take it I can feel the connection and bond between us even if you don't. I look into your eyes, searching for any signs of familiarity in them, hoping that you can feel me some how. Hoping that you realize who I am, but you don't.

Instead you pull away from me and through I'm broken hearted I smile through my disappointment. I don't want you to think that there's anything wrong other wise I'll be too quick to tell you the truth and no matter how badly I want to, I just can't let that happen.

"Do you play basketball Dave?" you question with a glimmer of optimism in your voice. Always up for a challenge, just like me.

Although I know that I need to leave before your mother comes looking for you I can't resist this opportunity, knowing that it very well be my last.

"Yes I do. I was actually very good at one time"

"Yeah my Dad was too"

The hint of sadness in your voice almost forces me to tell you who I am, but yet again, I don't.

"Was? Is your Dad still alive?" I question wondering just what your mother had told you about me. I knew I shouldn't be discussing this with you but I had to set the record straight if need be. Although I couldn't be with you I had to let you know that I loved you since the day you were born and there was nothing that was ever going to change that, even if my behavior did.

"Yeah, I guess" you say suddenly finding your sneakers and the ground interesting. I could tell you were upset by this and I hated seeing that hurt look on your face but I had to ask my next question if only for my own piece of mind.

"Why do you seem so sad? Does it have anything to do with your Dad because if it does you can talk to me about; I am your friend you know. Even if we just met" I smile again before taking your hand in mine.

"He just doesn't love me or my Mom. He went away before I was born and he never came back. I only know he likes basketball because my Mommy said that he liked it more then he liked us"

The words crush me. I mean I knew that Karen would forever hate me for my decision but I never dreamed that she would poison you against me. Then again why wouldn't she when I've given her every reason to?

I'm snatched out of my daze as you abruptly pull away from me. I know the signs because I exhibit them myself and this meant that you were done talking about the monster that left you and your mother; that you were done talking about me.

"Hey Lucas, I'm sure your Dad loves you even if he's not around" I say recapturing your attention.

"How do you know?" you ask me almost surly. But I know that it's because you're hurting so I don't bring it up.

"Because I'm a Dad too and sometimes I have to be far away from my son but that doesn't mean that I don't love him"

You stare at me as you start to roll the ball around in your hands again while trying to process what I was saying to you.

"So don't be so quick to judge your Dad ok, give him a chance because he might be somewhere thinking about you and how much he misses you right now" I continue with tears stinging my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall.

"Really?" you say looking up at me with those big hazel eyes of your searching mine for reassurance.

"Really, now" I reply taking the ball from you. "How about a little game of one on one"

You smile at me self-assuredly no doubt going over your game plan in your mind just like your old man.

"Ok, first person to make twelve points wins" you're quick to respond, laying down the rules.

"You're on little man, let's see what cha got" I say wrapping my arms around your shoulders and walking onto the basketball court.

We spend the perfect afternoon together as father and son with you completely unaware of our blood link to one another. While I am happy to be here with you right now a part of me is still grieving over the life we could have had. The life we could have spent together with your mother, completing the picture of a perfect family.

As I wave good-bye and send you on your way I can't help but feel a little empty and saddened. I'm left with empty arms and nothing but my regrets as my heart breaks and longs for you. I wish at some point that you would have figured it out and fell into my embrace and called me Dad. But I'm forced to keep my identity a secret until destiny sees fit to reveal it to you.

No one will ever understand who I am or what I've become or even the evil that they perceive me to be. They call me a monster and claim to know me and my life but they don't matter all that matters is you. All I want, all I wish for is…

For you to know who I am.


End file.
